Do you worry constantly about other peoples’ opinion of you? Do you doubt yourself? Does that hold you back from doing this, trying these, or just being you want to be, who you are?
In our heads, we think this is about what other people think, but really, in our hearts, this is about how we feel about ourselves
A recent UK self-confidence survey revealed mind blowing statistics. Firstly for women: 85% don’t believe they are attractive, 2/3 are not confident in their job, 62% don’t believe they are intelligent, 56% don’t think they are liked by others. Then the men: 55% are not liked by others, 80% don’t believe they are attractive, half think they’re not intelligent, and only 42% think they’re good at their job
This can’t all be true. This is about what we say to ourselves.
I was definitely one of the 80+% – and I certainly still have my moments. I’m still on the journey. I was brought up to worry about what other people think, until my wife got very sick, and I made my breakthrough. I stopped caring about what others thought, and got really clear on what was important in life – and I pursued it. I had to believe I was good enough – brave enough – everyone was relying on me. I just had to work out how.
Other peoples’ opinions
A very good friend of mine taught me this about other peoples’ opinions.
It has stuck with me. It is so profound. I share it with people all the time.
Let’s break it down.
- We don’t know what they’re really thinking – only what they say – or don’t say. Most of them don’t say a lot, or when they do, it is coloured by whatever else is going on in their lives
- We make up stories all the time in the absence of full information – as Brene Brown says ‘the story I’m telling myself is ..’
- Let’s be honest, all of us spend way more time thinking about our own stuff. The same goes for them. So the fact is … they’re not really thinking about you much at all
- Finally, other peoples’ opinion of us is outside of our circle of control. We can’t do much about it.
Other peoples’ opinion of me is none of my business. What matters is my opinion of myself. And that’s where the self-talk comes in.
Self talk
We all have self talk. It can be negative or positive at different times. But be careful – thoughts become reality.
Negative self-talk. It is awful. We all do it. The worse the day, the worse it gets and the longer and stronger the loop is. I mean- where does all this shit come from? I wouldn’t say some of this stuff to my worst enemy, let alone someone that I actually kind of like. “you’ll never pull this off …” “this isn’t going to work” “you’re going to fuck this up” “nobody likes you” “nobody cares” “I knew this was a bad idea …” you get the drift.
Admitting this is pretty difficult. But it is also pretty helpful. It shines the light on these thoughts and it does make them look pretty ridiculous. A bit like the worries about the monster under the bed or in the cupboard when I was a kid.
What has happened is that my brain has been hijacked again. I have to get out of that cycle. Preferably I would avoid getting into the negative self-talk cycle. We’ve all heard the phrase – prevention is better than cure. It turns out to be right.
Remember – thoughts become reality – so you’re way better off thinking positively.
Positive self-talk is what helps – we need to counter our negative biases. We’re tough on ourselves. Positive self-talk, or affirmations are positive statements that work on our conscious and sub-conscious. Over time they affect the way that we think – we are training our brain to accept what we repeat.
It’s a practice.
This takes a lot of time.
When doing self-talk, it is important to use present tense and ‘be’ verbs, even if you are talking about things you are working on and want to achieve in the future. So examples are I am a great dad, I am strong, I am at peace with where I am, I choose not to do everything, I am fun, I accept the way things are, I take time out to look after myself.
Because of your inherent negative bias, you’re outnumbered here, so you need 3-5 times what the opposition has. So for every bit of negative self-talk, you’ll need 3-5 pieces of positivity.
Review them from time to time, but I don’t change mine that much.
Write it. Say it. Believe it. For bonus points – Say it to yourself in the mirror.
It’s up to you
You get to decide if you’re good enough for you. That takes bravery, but it is so empowering when you’re free of that worry. It’s like you’ve been driving through life with the hand brake on – and all of a sudden you release it.
Next week – I’ll talk about working out what good enough is … for you.
Thanks so much for all the likes and comments – please keep them coming. Please share this with anyone else who may benefit from it.
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Be Brave