I’m not a natural at talking about how I feel. Certainly not talking about tough stuff. I’m not really sure why. The men around me when I was a kid didn’t do it. Not many of my mates do it. I quite like a chat, but my natural response to tough situations is to put my head down and work hard, in the hope that I can solve it or that it will give up and go away. Don’t complain, don’t explain. Like when my Dad died, I just threw myself into all the things that needed to be done – it was easy to keep myself busy. Likewise, when my wife had her heart attack – see my story – it was very easy to be busy … but it was very tough. But the tougher it gets, the more we need to talk.
I’m naturally conflict averse – I feel like this is related to not talking about feelings. I’m avoiding a conflict with myself. But just because I’m avoiding talking about the tough stuff doesn’t mean that it isn’t there and isn’t going to cause problems.
Tough stuff can’t be avoided forever
I don’t really know why I thought I could just white knuckle it through. I had been through a lot. There was the trauma of my wife being on life support and in a coma, and then the 10 weeks in hospital. Then there was the stark reality of her brain injury. I was now effectively a single parent of 3 boys with a 4th dependent. Even harder than all of that was helping our 3 boys deal with the situation. Finally there was the toughest fact of all – my wife, my life partner, wasn’t there in the same way any more. Conversation was hard. Our shared memories were gone. The one person who I wanted to help me through this was the one person who couldn’t. Everyone was relying on me. I was busy. It was easy to decide to avoid this.
I learned the hard way how important it is to deal with the tough stuff. Bad stuff happens. It comes out anyway. I got sad, I got angry, I got frustrated, I got grumpy with the kids, I couldn’t relax. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to talk to people. I couldn’t be in the same room as other couples – how come they got to be happy when we didn’t?
I was working hard on myself with exercise, meditation, eating well, affirmations, writing a gratitude journal and lots more. But it wasn’t enough. I could feel it all through my body. At the beginning of 2021 we went through the annual review with all the doctors and specialists. It has been 2 and a half years since the heart attack. The reviews were tough to hear – after that amount of time, it was unlikely that we were going to see much improvement. On top of that, the diagnostics showed that there hadn’t been a lot of progress.
The dam wall broke then. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I thought I was being realistic, but I’d been living on hope. ‘Hopium’ had been keeping me going. Now it had been taken away – I had gone cold turkey. I was so sad. I didn’t want to talk to people. I had to leave rooms to cry. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing.
Opening up, talking and asking for help
The best thing I did was to admit that I was doing it tough. I chose the harder path and I admitted I needed help. I found a psychologist who was experienced at dealing with family loss and health problems. I started talking about the tough stuff. And then I got on with grieving. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t easy. But I had someone to talk to about the hole in my heart, my worries about the future, my emotional baggage and all the stuff that was overwhelming me every day. She guided me through it. There was a process to follow. She explained what was going on. We took it one step at a time. There was a lot of talking. Between me and her, but also between me and a lot of other people.
I had to explain to the boys what was going on with me – that was tough on all of us. I was conscious of the need to set an example for them in dealing with and talking about tough stuff. I leant on my family and friends. It was challenging calling people up to say that I was really struggling and that I needed to talk. I warned them that it wasn’t going to be fun. But they were amazing. They listened, they supported, they cried too and they helped. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them when they got home after one of these conversations. I cycled regularly through about 5 people. It is amazing to know that there are people I can really, really rely on when things are as tough as I’ve ever experienced.
It’s all in your head
While I am doing a few things differently, nothing much has changed in the physical world. The changes have all been in my head. I look at things differently now. I have found some peace with what has happened. I have made it to acceptance – the 5th of the 5 Stages of Grief. I’m calmer. The anger and frustration and tension in my body was a sign that something wasn’t right. I still have my moments, but they are a lot milder and further apart. I’m not wound as tight as a spring anymore. Little things are much less likely to set me off. I’m so glad I started talking about the tough stuff.
Happiness is wanting what you have. Unhappiness is the opposite – not wanting what you have, or not having what you want. I’m not sure I’m all the way to happiness yet, but I’m certainly a lot closer than I have been in the last 3 years.
There’s a prize for being honest with yourself and open with others – you get help.
Be Brave.
PS – If you’re not feeling so good – ask for help – here are some useful links
